Pain Hurts

I'm disappointed in myself... I'm having a hard time looking at pictures or video of Haiti. For the first day or so, I didn't. I turned away when images were on the TV or clicked to another site when online to avoid seeing the images. I cared about them. I read everything I could find about it. Words I could handle - pictures I couldn't.

I didn't want to feel the pain that I knew I would if I looked.

I'm not totally heartless - I sent a text and clicked a button to send money that I was going to use for a new outfit for an event this weekend. That kind of 'pain' I can deal with - I have clothes in the closet to wear. But looking at the pictures - that involves pain I'm not sure what to do with.

But - millions are living through this hell day by day - moment by moment! Yet, I can't even look at it? 

I need to look at it - I need to feel the pain. Love doesn't look away. Love cares enough to look and feel every ounce of pain there is to feel.

Only then is love real!  

The God I follow is love. So I can be love also.

Yesterday I looked. I forced myself to see the sadness, loss and destruction. I forced myself to look into the faces and eyes. It hurt just like I knew it would. The pain was/is ugly. 

Now what does love do with that pain? 

Healing

I'm always impressed with healing - healing of our physical body.* Sometimes its minor, other times its major. Something is cut/bruised/broken. All the nerves are sending pain signals to your brain. Your normal activities are interrupted, done slower or even need to be stopped for a time.
But with time, when healing happens - the swelling goes down, the black/blue colors lessen, the skin repairs itself and the nerves quiet down. And I'm amazed. Yes, there might be a scar - sometimes a bad one - but an amazing amount of healing does take place. And I'm amazed.

I thank our creator for the way he's designed it.

Do we have any part in the healing? Yes, we do. Our creator is the ultimate healer, and we are created in his image - so we are 'little healers'. We clean what is cut, wounded or bruised and set what is broken. We can take vitamins and eat well. Some science is showing that a little sunlight can help heal some injuries, especially the skin. (the sun is not all bad) For small injuries, we need correct lotions, cremes and bandages. For major injuries - antibiotics, surgeries and skilled doctors might be needed.

A major part we play in healing for any injury is giving our body the rest it needs to recover. That's why the nerves talk to us, to let us know one area of our body is in need of some downtime. Rest doesn't mean not moving or doing at all - it means moving and doing with wisdom, which is called therapy. Therapy helps bring the body up to par again. At times, therapy needs to be done by a professional, other times it can be done on one's own. Thankfully the creator has also given us his spirit to counsel us in what/when/where/how much our bodies can do, especially when healing needs to happen.

*We live in an imperfect world and healing doesn't always happen. That makes me sad and mad.

Short Story Continued

Toe pain continues - feels best when leg is propped up. Slight black/blue coloring happening now. Didn't go for x-rays - because even if it's broken, there's not much that can be done. Using a hard-soled boot I have from surgery last year (though I never wanted one - my collection of medical supplies is impressive)
No runs for now :( Maybe some biking next week - cause that won't be as much impact on it as running would be.
So now on the recliner - writing!! Working on my book proposal - pray for wisdom, it's a hard task!

Short Story

It was a dark and stormy night. Lights were out. Candle was burning. Sleep called. Moved across room to blow out candle. Toes met ottoman. Pain! Question now is - is it broken or just badly bruised? UGH!!!

Today was odd ...

Today was a mixture of odd emotions. I am happy and scared that my story might bring hope to others through an article in Reading Eagle sometime in the next few weeks. I had been interviewed by the reporter by phone on Tuesday. Then today I had pictures taken of me running. I am happy to share my story if it encourages others to never give up, even when life looks overwhelming. On the other hand, it feels odd to be talking about me and having pics of me taken by a photographer.
I met Ryan, the photographer at Gring's Mill around 1pm. The wind was nasty at the time, but thankfully as we walked over a bridge to the trail, the trees blocked some of the wind. After looking around briefly, Ryan told me where and when to run along the path as he shot pictures. I was excited to run again, since I haven't run the past 2 days because my knee has been hurting. The knee felt good this morning - but as soon as I took about 20 steps, the pain was back! I wasn't happy, but determined to run when/where Ryan told me to, so I ignored the pain and ran as relaxed as I could. Thankfully, he had the pics he needed in about 10 minutes, so I survived.
Tonight my knee feels okay as long as I sit still (I've been icing it periodically) but I feel light pain when walking and severe pain when doing steps and/or bending my knee.
I'm not sure what this pain means, but I'm focused on taking one day at a time - that's how I've gotten to where I am and I know that's all that God asks of us - deal with this day and trust him for tomorrow.

Ready to quit ...

I ran outside on Sunday afternoon with two friends - it was cold, and we ran longer and further than I've done before, ran 4 minutes, walked 1 minute - 6 times. Everything hurt, but the accomplished feeling at the end was good! Then Monday night I ran with the club - again, outside in the cold. Both times the nerves in my legs were complaining about being cold - but I tried to ignore the contracting and burning pain. Tuesday I had planned would be my rest day this week - and I was glad - because everything hurt!
Wednesday morning, I felt better, but my legs were still complaining. Yet I wanted to do the next workout on my schedule. It was run 5 minutes, walk 1 minute - repeat 5 times. I hit the treadmill in the afternoon after spending the morning writing. Two minutes into the run, every nerve and muscle in my legs was trying to boycott my plans. I tried ignoring the pain and pushing on - but I soon realized I wasn't going to be able to go on and I needed to changes plans. So I shorten the running time to 4 minutes and only ran 4 times. I was discouraged and annoyed - why couldn't this body stick to the schedule I had - after all it was a beginner's schedule! What did I need - a baby schedule?
But as the evening progressed, I was glad I had quit when I did - I was in so much pain. Jerry noticed my slow movements and grimacing face as I did some organizing around the house. He promptly asked if I'm pushing it too much. "No," I replied, "I'm just trying to do the beginner's schedule." Slightly annoyed at my reasoning, he reminded me that my body probably couldn't keep up with a standard beginner's schedule. I had unique challenges that I needed to take into consideration.
Listening to him, I knew he was right and that some part of my brain was still living in the 'good, old days' pre-accident. This body has been through so much - a dozen fractures, crushed pelvis, a zillion wounds - and I was trying to make it keep to a schedule designed for a body without those challenges.

Then this morning, I was editing/rewriting some things I had written earlier about the potential scare of losing my leg 7 weeks after the accident. After flying home from CA, I went to a doctor in Reading and he didn't think my leg would heal, he was fairly sure it would still need to be amputated. Reading that made me realize again how much I have to be thankful for and that I want to celebrate the walking and running I can do, not complain about what I can't do.

So the sun was bright this afternoon, with temps near 30 so I bundled up and headed outdoors. I feel closest to God when I am outdoors, so I wanted to do whatever workout I could outside rather than on the treadmill today. I went with the mindset that I will do what I can, the best I can - but I will listen to my body with reason. I felt pretty good during my 5 minute warmup walk and I was thinking - cool, I can run 5 minutes at a time. Well, 2 or 3 minutes into the first run, that thinking changed - the fatigued/painful feeling of my legs forced me to reconsider. I decided to run 4 minutes, walk 1 minute. I did that around a local loop that is almost 2 1/2 miles.
It was a doable run - not easy, but also not torture. I am feeling okay now (an hour after the run) but I'm hurting, so I want to do some gentle stretching now and then hit the hot tub, while thanking God for the walking and running I could do today!

Trusting God ... even when in pain

Recently, I had corrective surgery on my foot to repair an injured tendon. Prior to surgery, I had two consultations with the surgeon, and I must have tuned out or been thinking about dinner during his conversations about recovery. So, on the day of surgery, I nonchalantly walked into the hospital under the impression that since the surgery was minor, the pain and recovery would be minor as well.
The surgery went as planned and I was waiting for my discharge papers 3 hours later. That is when I realized I had missed a few details. The nurse read the instructions as she handed me the papers … “fill the prescription for pain meds, don’t unwrap the dressing until you see the doctor again … and do you have crutches?”

“Wait a minute, are you sure those are my discharge papers? Because my post-op visit isn’t for 16 days … so what about showers? I don’t like meds and I don’t remember the doctor saying anything about crutches.”

“Yes dear, these are your papers … that dressing can’t get wet, so no showers. I think you will want to fill that prescription and use the crutches,” she gently responded.

As I transferred into the wheelchair for the ride to the car, I soon realized that any movement caused so much pain in my foot that it felt like a knife was cutting me. A suspicion started to grow … I think the doctor left the surgical knife in the incision!
When we got home, I had no choice but to use my crutches to go inside. (collecting medical supplies has been a hobby the past four years) I also asked my husband how fast he could get to the pharmacy and back again! The first night was so miserable that I was sure the surgery was a mistake. At times, I felt as if I needed to tear the dressing off and remove that painful knife!
Over the next few days, I did as little as I had to and I continually thanked God that my doctor had prescribed a strong painkiller. My suspicion about the knife continued to grow, especially as I slowly hobbled on my crutches. I could even picture it … about three inches in length and about an inch wide. From time to time, I had to look at my foot to reassure myself that there was no knife cutting through it.
After the first week, it finally felt better and I tentatively put some weight on my heel as the pain allowed me. By the time I went to my post-op visit; I was hobbling on my heel without the crutches.
Now as I walk with less pain and resistance, I am thankful that I couldn’t change my mind about the surgery in those first pain-filled days.

As I reflect back on those few weeks, I realize how often I do the same thing when I want to change a behavior, start a project or restore a strained relationship. I begin the process without properly preparing myself for all that is involved. The details bore me or I don’t think they apply to me. Then when things don’t happen as easily as I would like them to, I want to give up. I even give into suspicions about why things are harder then I anticipated. It has to be because of my circumstances or something others did or said. Lord knows, it would just be easier if she/he hadn’t put that ‘knife’ in there.
I need to accept the fact that change takes time and may involve pain. Only then can I embrace the process and stick to the choices that help me get the result I want. I’ve also been reminded to not give into suspicions that can easily derail a successful plan. If I had ripped open my dressing to take out the suspicious knife … the process would have taken much longer.
As I move through my days now … with a healed foot, I try to remember to not only embrace, but to prepare myself for the slow, sometimes painful, process that is needed to deal with certain issues in life and to trust God, even when in pain.